Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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