He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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