i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
