2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
