The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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