If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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