my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
