Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
