I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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