There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
