One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
