so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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