he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
