I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
