Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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