Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
