I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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