What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
