I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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