i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
