38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
