we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
