apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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