I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
