your thong is hanging out like whoa
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
