Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
