you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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