i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
