I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
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I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
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idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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