He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
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