apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
