why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
