I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
