he thought i was a dude.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
