sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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