sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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