Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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