I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Randomize
