halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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