Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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