Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
