I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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