Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize