Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
