so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
