i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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