Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
