I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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