Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
