remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
