the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
