you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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