In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
