I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
