Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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