The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
