she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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