Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It's official drugs can't kill me
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
