You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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