did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
